Plan B

I feel sort of like that commercial for frosted mini wheats. You know, the one where the "grown up" in me likes the fiber but the "kid in me" likes the sugar rush. In the midst of making life-altering choices, there ends up being a Plan B.

You may think this is entirely reasonable. If A doesn't happen, then B will. In my case, if I don't get funded to go to school, then I will be sitting by a pool in Arizona, writing and sipping margaritas. Not a bad second option.

But I continue to hear the story, in the furthest reaches of my mind, of Moses striking the stone twice for water. If you're not super familiar, we'll start with the fact that Moses is the redeemer of the Israelites who have been bound in slavery to the Egyptians for generations. He is first saved by God through the mercy of a few women (and a quick-thinking sister) and raised in the Pharoah's household. He is called by God to act, and after some really nightmarish plagues, he is finally given leave to exit to the Promised Land. And then he journeys there, help of the Parting of the Red Sea, and manna in the wilderness, and basically half the OT references any of us make today. But when the people are thirsty and need water in the desert, and God tells Moses to strike a rock and water will pour forth, the man strikes the rock twice - you know, like maybe it won't work the first time, or maybe once for good measure. And the account goes something like this: God says: Moses, because you didn't trust me enough to do what I asked, you're gonna die before the people make it to their destination.

Now to a rational mind, and with some understanding of the human condition, one's response might be "what now?" Moses survived death (more than once), answered the call, said yes to leaving a PALACE to go tromping through the DESERT with thousands of tired, and often whiny, people who he knew only as former slaves. He is the guy that GOD HIMSELF handed the 10 commandments to. And he is punished for not having enough faith.

First of all, I have to say that I am so grateful to believe in a merciful, New Covenant Trinity. But beyond that I keep struggling to know - is having a Plan B like striking the rock twice? Or is it just Being Responsible?

Recently I've spent time with some folks I haven't seen or talked to in a long while. So when they ask what's new, I want to tell them. But the probelm is that it sort of sounds ridiculous. Well, I start, we're probably moving to Ohio. Or Arizona. (quizzical expressions ensue.) Well, it sort of depends on what God wants for us. (um, because he texts me most afternoons?) I mean, we're trying to figure it out, we just know we are leaving home. (nods, good for yous, supportive confusion.)

I want to say: I am leaving in August to pursue a PhD at the University of Dayton in Theology. We will be there for three years and then I will write the dissertation next to a pool in Arizona for two years, followed by great work, diamond starbursts and marble halls, and married bliss.

Being honest sounds something more like this: I want to pursue the PhD because I think it's the best way for my voice, and the passion filling my heart, to be shared with anyone who is open. But because it's a competitive world, and there are only 4 fellowships granted, I am really uncertain of my chances. There are a lot of Doors That Must Open. Our first plan to leave Jersey was to live in Arizona, where it's way cheaper, and I can afford to write without a 50 hour/week job on the side. And so we can do that too. But the most important thing is that I feel called, I hope I find the perfect place to live out that call, and I want to be docile to the Holy Spirit (and docile is a word I mostly choke on, so believe me, this is a big deal). This may mean moving to Ohio or Guam or just staying in NJ because someone offers me a job that is Right and Pays the Mortgage and Taxes. I don't know. But I'll let you know when it happens.

So is this striking the rock doubly? Can I have a Plan B and still be living the call? Still be receptive to the Spirit?

I sort of think yes. I think that perhaps being receptive sometimes means exactly that - having a plan b, c, d... and others that look like this: whatever door opens I would like to have the courage and clarity to walk through it .

So we're discerning. And WAITING. Can you pray for me? Because, more than Plans A, B, or C... I'd really like to be part of the Father's plan for me. Because He made me for a purpose and I can be happy there, where I can give my best gift of self.

Spark in the Darkness

I don't normally post about politics and political agenda, and world events. But I have to let it out. I feel like I have too much to talk about. With the Right to Life marchhappening yesterday, a bill to promote same sex "marriage" in the NJ legislature today, kind of awesome pro-life ads being banned from CNN and NBC, and the latest insidious reaches of Planned Parenthood, which I already addressed, I feel like I am in the middle of a battle for civilization.

Perhaps not "civilization as we know it", which I almost wrote until I realized, stopping myself, that this has all been growing, moving, and creeping into our lives at least through my entire lifetime. But the foundations of a good and just society are certainly being shaken to their core. The idea that men and women of good will know what is right and have self-mastery is nearly extinct. And so we somehow trust that our government (really???) is the adequate cure.

Listen, I'm not going to castigate the people of the 1960s for raging against the machine. I understand that people revolt because they feel unheard and oppressed. I don't know what life was like then, because the history books don't really give us more than facts about policy. And Mad Men, while fascinating, paints a truly miserable picture of false marriages and sexual politics that is alarming. I have to be grateful in some sense for the revolutions of the sixties because they are what allows me to speak, in a certain sense, as a woman on par with men - a concept which should always have been understood and cherished but alas, was stripped bare in the might-makes-right Middle Ages.

But the sexual revolution, and the political ones as well, had severe consequences while buying some freedoms and reforms. One of the greatest miseries of the age was the invention and acceptance of the birth control pill, which taught women that pregnancy is a life-sentence, and taught men they can use women at any time for their pleasure without pause or consequence. I had a second-wave feminist professor who used to say that the Pill was the greatest invention of mankind. But this always left me wondering. How could a woman who was so entirely pro-woman believe that? Now a woman's fertility was ripe for rejection, both by herself and the men with whom she cared to have sex, and also men could far more easily walk away from a casual sexual encounter, confident that pregnancy was not on the table. The Pill (and other birth control) empowers men to take what they want - every part of a woman's body except her fertility- as if that is something objectionable. No wonder we treat pregnancy like a disease. And when we treat people like objects, violence is inevitable.

So we come all the way here today. To this land of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. This land where women are left pregnant and alone, babies are killed every day, violence begins in the home, and in the womb. The heart is violated and covenants are broken. We try to redefine marriage because we don't understand it in the first place- because our parents grew weary and divorced, because they hid their fertility and sexuality in lies. And now these generations cannot see through the cloud to what marriage and sex is and might yet be.

And I know I am ranting a bit here, but my heart hurts. Forty years later, so many of the women I know or run into have suffered the pain of abortion, and keep it inside, because it has been normalized to such a degree that they believe their nightmares and pains and sorrow are only their own. My friends have suffered in failed marriages, and we collectively argue that no one should be denied access to cheap and easy recreational sex. And we are on the brink of being cut off from access to the funds we need to live in a place with options- while we pay massive taxes to the government (especially here in NJ) we have less and less of a voice, it seems, in how civilization is redefined, in how our consciences speak.

I know there is hope for all of this. I know that God created us in love because He is Love. I know that life is valuable and precious, and that if some woman cannot manage to feed herself and her child, there are 2300 crisis centers in the US that can help. There are thousands of infertile couples who would give everything to be parents. I know we were created for one another, and make no sense without each other.

The hope is this: that we are important, and precious, and unrepeatable. That we are made male and female to collaborate and encourage. That we are created in communion so that we can experience a glimpse of that life giving outpouring which is the Trinity. That the efforts of one person do make a difference, but that with the communion of saints and the community of faithful, we can overcome the darkness and bring life back to the world.

Living in Dangerous Denial

I don't usually do this, but since there are networks that won't air this, I feel like I need to exercise my First Amendment right to do so. That is, while I still have First Amendment rights...
who gets to live?

Put Down the Cookie

Last Spring, there was an outcry as Catholics across the country learned over 150 Catholic college campuses had ties to Planned Parenthood. The organization's attitudes about the value of human life is in direct and vehement contrast to the Church's belief about the sanctity of life from conception until natural death.

Not long afterwards, the annual Breast Cancer Awareness facebook campaign rolled across my wall. You know, the one last year where we all happily let the world know what color bras we were wearing. This year, the theme was more overtly sexual, and caused raised eyebrows. And I understand this reaction. It's really not the way we want to make our younger women and teenage daughters aware of the issue. It's probably not the most uplifting way to share solidarity, through the lowest common denominator of innuendo, but it does have some appeal.

However, when I had entered the mud and shared "the place you keep your purse" after the phrase "I like it on..." people responded. Actually, I have to admit that there must have been a quick fire battle between two of my fb friends, because several hours later, I received an email from the one whom I know in real life, apologizing for the verbal sparring that had taken over my page. When I went to look it up, the entire event had been erased by the parties involved. But the gist was this: fb friend was adamant that I should not have joined the campaign because Susan G Komen foundation gets support from Planned Parenthood. Real life friend argued that the campaign was about breast cancer awareness full stop, and nothing is immoral about awareness. I tend to agree.

Just yesterday I found myself in yet another facebook dilemma regarding Planned Parenthood. Someone posted a blog link about Girl Scouts and their relationship to the organization. (I am not reposting the blog.) One of my friends (rightly) questioned the research behind the blog post, because it was rampantly filled with exaggerated language, as if the shocking truth needed emphasis added. The point of the blog, much like the point of the young woman who had argued against the breast cancer campaign, was that she would no longer be purchasing Girl Scout cookies because she does not want to support Planned Parenthood. And I say, if that is what your conscience dictates, go for it.

But I have left these three conversations realizing there is a much bigger problem here than whether or not you go to a Catholic college mentioned in the above expose, or if you join in a breast cancer awareness campaign sponsored by SGK, or if you enjoy a whole box of thin mints during a marathon viewing of Project Runway on demand. These are just symptoms. This is not really the disease. So maybe we ought not strike out at each other, but at the root of the evil.

The question I am stuck asking is: How the **** did Planned Parenthood weasel its way insidiously into so many disparate organizations with the stealth and silence it has done, so that only dozens of years later we are finding the links EVERYWHERE? What kind of power has this group of death amassed for itself that we are worried about cookies and bras and facebook, but have not necessarily taken every precaution to not let this group grow in the first place? I mean, we can't travel in a time machine to the 1930s to stop Margaret Sanger spreading her philosophy of eugenics. But what the hell happened between then and now? How is it that every time we turn around, some group that seems to promote good morals and values - cancer research, the self-esteem of girls, and (for mercy's sake!) Catholic schools (!) - have given or accepted financial support from them?

While the issue at these schools was remedied when the report was released, I continue to question the other organizations' motives. Because it says to me that we aren't really, vitally interested in protecting women. Somehow, deep down in the crevices of the world, the powers that be have opted to support a philosophy that is pro-death at best. If on the outside it looks like we are teaching girls to change the world, or creating a support system for women, but on the inside we are still running with a group that normalizes abortion, and assists it on every level from government policy to the act itself, then we are kidding ourselves. Is there still good being done in these cooperative organizations? Yes, most likely. But there is a cancer hidden in the American bowels and it is quietly, and not so quietly, killing us, and stealing life from our collective womb.

I am absolutely not convinced that not buying samoas will be the blow that makes Girl Scouts (which yes - really has some fairly radical feminists as its policy makers) reconsider the partnerships it has. I don't think withholding my comments about cancer awareness on facebook will cause SGK or other research facilities to think about who they are in bed with, although you have a right - and a responsibility- to act if your conscience tells you so.

But I do truly believe this is a great evil which needs to be cut down at its source. And more than that, I truly believe that we need to be much more proactive in the way we welcome children into the world, in the way we choose to stop treating children as a punishment, in the way we stock and store and support crisis pregnancy centers and real, good, vital information about adoption, options, education and more for pregnant women, in the way we jump up to help the women we know - mostly in colleges- out of love and respect and compassion.

But really. Don't condemn the cookies. Put the blame where it belongs, and get off facebook and do something that may actually make a difference.