From the Beginning

I have a theory I'm working on. It has to do with generosity.

It seems to me that Scripture has a wonderful map to follow when it comes to this. My experience tells me that women have an inherent generosity towards others. That is not to say that we are not often icy, catty, rude and unwilling to share. But it's always intentional when we choose such behavior. Men, on the other hand, seem to need reminders of how to give of themselves. It's not the most natural behavior... but when they decide to, they can be amazingly good at it.

Before I am accused of over-generalizing...
My husband is an amazing man. I love him more now than ever before. But he will be the first one to tell you that in regular, everyday life, he is happy to be fairly isolated. If left to his own devices, his tendency is to play video games until he falls asleep on the couch. And even if I am home, he is likely to get himself a cup of tea or make himself a sandwich, (without asking if I want one) and go back to playing. Now, I realize any of you with small children might think this is a ridiculous luxury, and your husbnds take the kids to soccer and then go do the banking, and never, ever, think of themselves. Good for you. I wonder, though, how many of you make schedules and to-do lists for them, and beat them to the fridge to make dinner every night, without ever performing the social experiment of leaving them to themselves with no list of responsibilities?

Compare this with most women I know. We never make coffee for one, if we have a spouse who might also like some. We make two cans of tuna fish, for the whole family. We don't sit down at the tv without checking to see what others might like to watch. We tend to work in a consensus model. I know. Last time I went away with my mom and sister, and it was nearly impossible to decide where to go for dinner. My husband calls it the generous conflict illusion, and I am guilty of it.

Now, I am NOT saying that my husband, or the many men I know, are not generous. They are. But they need reminders that they are living in community. And it seems to me that is part of the reason God created us women as Other.

Think about it. In the Beginning - God created adam, whose gender didn't even matter (scripturally speaking) because there was nothing to compare with. And this human was alone and really sad to be alone, but alone also meant no opportunity for generosity. So the longing for other was there, yes! And the desire to be generous may have been too... but it had nowhere to go.

When woman is created, if we rely on the scriptural lesson, she is already created in community. She is never just one, she is always one of two. She understands herself in relationship. She defines herself in relationship. Think about it. How much does this ring true of woman now?

This seems to be the way in which the generous heart of a man springs forth. In this meeting with the other, in his rejoicing at finding a true equal, he also finds the challenge, as John Paul II would say, that the otherness brings. And I think the crux of this challenge is the putting aside of self, and learning to give. This is why in the total self-gift of Jesus' death, men receive a personal challenge to lay down their lives for others. Women do also, but the bodily example is not as necessary to them. They already do this with a great naturalness in marriage, service, childbirth, and relationships. Perhaps one could say there is something uniquely feminine in the self-gift of Jesus which births the church at that moment of death. And yet, this becomes the true example of masculinity as Jesus himself embodies what all men should be.

It is a constant challenge to us all to be who we are, and to strive to be more. For us women, who perhaps come to the other without much effort, we can teach through our own generosity how to live in communion. And for good men, they can work to act outside themselves, in real self-gift that digs deep and embraces that which is outside of them.

I have to add that my husband decided a while ago that he was going to keep the kitchen clean, because he knows that helps my calm. I didn't ask him to do it. He was inspired to reach past his inclinations and work at it every day. I am so proud of him for rising above his own needs to eagerly meet mine, as he has always tried so hard to do. And when I understand the effort it takes for him to meet the other and rise to the challenge, I truly experience Christ's love through him. And this is what Love truly is: the generous outpouring of self in communion.

Reflecting on Motherhood

A friend of mine said she's been reflecting on Mary and the redemption of motherhood. What a topic... I had to comment, of cours

It seems that many women come out on one of two sides: either they are super close to their moms, you know, the go-shopping, mani-pedi, bake-cookies type of relationship. Or there are the butt heads, queen-bee-syndrome, nothing's-good-enough types. What is it about the mother relationship that can bring out the worst in someone? Isn't it all about nurturing and sweetness?

As a kid, I had about the best mother there was. My mom is very sweet, and fantastically creative. She taught us about the world in artistic ways. I clearly remember the large piece of orange oak tag hanging from the kitchen wall, with leaves cut out from construction paper, on which we could write the things we were thankful for in November, fo instance. I also remember her patiently hanging in there with me when Sr. Frances Clare made us memorize the forty-five titles of Mary in fourth grade (House of Gold, anyone?). Years later, she became a Montessori teacher- a job that was waiting for her all her life.

But as a teenager and young adult, I have to admit to really struggling with my mom, We are really different people - she's an extrovert and I'm an introvert, she's a "heart" person, and I'm more of a "head" person. It was rough, because I would watch my sister connect with her, and I just felt the need to differntiate myself so strongly.

And I have to say, those were also the years I took the greatest issue with the Virgin Mary as well. My own rebellion against a quiet and gentle motherhood spilled over into my understanding of her. I had no room in my heart for sweet when life plainly was hard! I couldn't connect with any woman who was soft enough to get battered by the world, when I was learning the hard way how cruel life can be.

When we are young, sometimes things are so balck and white. It takes maturity to see the many shades of gray.

As a married adult, I gained a new appreciation for my mom. When I was in a long distance relationship with my fiance, I was reminded that she spent her engaged months away from a fiance being shot at in the vietnam War. She raised four children under the age of six (omg) without any of us feeling lost or competitive with one another. She sewed dresses for all my special occasions vecause we couldn't afford store bought, and she made the time and effort to create beauty out of nothing. And she was and is always a woman of prayer. My mom has intention lists a mile long, and many of my friends ask her to pray, because it seems like she gets through.

We're entirely different people, yes. But I can see the strength behind the exterior now.

And Mary is the same for me. Once I could only see the sweet blonde hair and porcelain gaze. But over time, I have come to understand how misleading that ezterior is. Her human strength to bear a child out of wedlock, to watch her son suffer, to stand by the apostles in the upper room, and her spiritual prowess to crush the oppressor and aid in our salvation - well, these are not the things of timidity. Mary reveals the strength of motherhood that is inate in all womanhood. The icon of woman, she shows us how to nurture the most vulnerable and crush the threatening snake.

Not every woman has come to accept her own motherhood. Yes, there are women still in shock over it, in ignorance of how to love well, in denial of the impact they have on their daughters. Yes, I know women who still crave a mother in their lives, and search in dark places for anyone willing to pose as mother, in a desperate hope for that life that only real motherhood, real womanhood can bring. To them I say, look to Mary. If you cannot find motherhood in your own relationships, in the woundedness of your own mothers, do not be afraid. Mary is strong enough to meet you and love you.